i have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night
by tantei no hime
Summary: Ryouta was going to propose on Christmas Eve.


**Setting:** Non-Despair AU

 **Rating:** T

 **Genre:** Angst, Tragedy

 **Characters:** Ryouta, Imposter

 **Warnings:** character death

 **Word Count:** 8,612

 **A/N:** Okay so, this is based off this post from otpprompts. I've been working on this since 2016, but I've only just finished it so yeah.

Happy new year!

* * *

 _ **i have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night**_

The early morning sunlight streamed through the curtains that hung over the window of their bedroom, and Ryouta, being a light sleeper on good days, was immediately awake. There's a weight pressing on his chest and Ryouta smiled, keeping his eyes closed as he turned around. Sagishi's sleeping face greeted him when Ryouta finally opened his eyes, making him blush.

Gods, he looks so cute.

Sagishi groaned in his sleep, pulling Ryouta closer to his chest that Ryouta could feel his heartbeat.

"You slept late last night. Go back to sleep," Sagishi mumbled.

"Can't. I have class," Ryouta protested, trying to squirm his way out of Sagishi's grasp no matter how welcome the warmth was on the chilly winter morning. "And you have a meeting today, too, I think."

"Fine, fine," Sagishi said, grunting as he turned to lay flat on his back, releasing Ryouta from his grasp.

Ryouta smiled, kissing Sagishi on the cheek before he left to take a shower.

* * *

The kitchen was bustling with activity by the time Ryouta got dressed and went downstairs. Sagishi was wearing a silk robe over his pajamas, humming as he fried something on the stove.

Ryouta smiled for the third time that day.

Jiji darted between Ryouta's legs in a mad dash to enter the kitchen as he stared, making Ryouta snap out of his reverie to pick the cat up before it caused trouble.

"Jiji, you know you're not allowed in the kitchen," Ryouta sighed as he deposited Jiji back into the living room despite her pitiful meowing.

"Wash your hands before you eat," Sagishi said without looking up from plating the French toast.

"Y–Yeah," Ryouta nodded, heading to the kitchen sink to do just that.

Sagishi was already halfway through his piece of toast by the time Ryouta joined him on the dining table, bits of crumbs sticking to the sides of his lips. Ryouta was tempted to reach out and wipe them away.

"I might get home late tonight," Sagishi said while chewing his toast. "Byakuya piled a lot of work on me today."

"And yet you were the one who didn't want to get out of bed this morning," Ryouta chided as he poured syrup on his toast.

Sagishi waited until Ryouta was done before reaching for the syrup bottle. "I'm not needed until nine. Anyway, will you be fine alone?"

"Of course," Ryouta replied, handing over the bottle and inadvertently brushing his hand with Sagishi's hand that felt warm and soft but Ryouta couldn't help but feel like something was missing. What was it?

"—ta? Is something wrong?" Sagishi said, waving a hand in front of Ryouta's eyes. "You keep on spacing out. Do you need to call in sick?"

"N–No, I'm fine," Ryouta said, blushing. "I was just thinking. Sorry. Did you say something?"

Sagishi's expression told him he didn't fully believe Ryouta. "We're out of syrup. I asked if you can drop by the store and buy some later."

Ryouta nodded. "O–Of course."

Man, they sounded like his parents.

Wait.

That was it!

That was what was missing!

Maybe he should ask Sagishi to marry him.

He won't say no, right?

They've been together for so long that maybe he'll say yes.

"Ryouta? Shouldn't you be hurrying?" Sagishi asked, a smile on his lips. "I don't think it's a good idea for the teacher to show up to class later than his students."

Ryouta shrieked, hurriedly stuffing the rest of the French toast into his mouth and grabbing his bag as Sagishi continued to smile while shaking his head.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Sagishi said, raising an eyebrow as Ryouta stood up.

"Oh, uhm…" Ryouta hesitated before kissing Sagishi on the forehead. "Bye?"

"Not that. Your meds. You know you can't skip one," Sagishi said, rolling his eyes but looking pleased with the kiss all the same.

"R–Right…" Ryouta said, laughing nervously as he got the bottle out of the cupboard and popped a pill in his mouth before starting to dash out of the flat again.

"Take care," Sagishi shouted at him.

"You too," Ryouta replied, waving.

* * *

"Good mo—"

A bucket of freezing–cold water fell on Ryouta's head as he slid the classroom door open, instantly drenching him and cutting off the rest of his greeting.

This again?

Ouma –kun tittered in his seat, his hand covering his mouth.

"Ouma–kun," Ryouta called, keeping his voice level as he shook his head free of the droplets of water dripping down from it. "Can you please clean this up?"

"Yes, sensei," Ouma–kun said in an excessively cheerful voice as he stood up and walked towards the direction of Toujou–san's chair.

"Don't ask Toujou–san to do it for you," Ryouta added.

"But Sensei," Ouma–kun whined.

"No buts," Ryouta said, turning to leave and get changed. "Get this cleaned up by the time I come back, okay?"

"Yes, sensei," Ouma–kun said, his tone suddenly shifting back to a cheerful one as he waved goodbye to Ryouta.

Ryouta sighed as he closed the door of the faculty room. At least no one else was there to see him tracking wet footprints all around the place.

His messenger bag's still on his desk where he left it this morning. Ryouta grabbed it and got out the spare clothes he packed this morning.

What did he even do to get assigned to this class?

Ryouta sneezed. He was definitely going to catch a cold.

It's the middle of the first period, no one's gonna enter the faculty room anytime soon, so he could change in here instead of having to walk to the end of the hall to the nearest washroom. Probably.

Wait, did he lock the door?

Oh well, it's probably too late to think of that now.

Ryouta had barely finished unbuttoning his shirt when the door opened, making him yelp and scramble to cover himself with the shirt he just shrugged off.

"Ah, shoot! I'm sorry!"

"Y–Yukizome–sensei?"

Ryouta turned around, clutching his shirt tightly around himself. Yukizome–sensei was standing by the door, smiling sheepishly and pointedly trying not to look at Ryouta.

"Did I startle you?" Yukizome–sensei asked.

"N–No, i–it's my fault," Ryouta said, heart hammering in his chest as he took several heaving breaths. "I shouldn't have changed in here, sorry."

"I should've knocked first, though," Yukizome–sensei said. "Maybe I should leave and let you finish dressing up."

"A–Ah, this won't take long, I'm really sorry," Ryouta said, blushing.

"I'll be right behind the door," Yukizome–sensei said, raising her head as she turned around. "Wait, oh no, I forgot about that," she backtracked suddenly, her eyes widening. "I didn't… set it off, did I?"

Set…?

Ryouta looked at what she's staring at.

Oh.

"A–Ah, no, I'm fine, really," Ryouta said, laughing nervously as he pulled at his shirt up to hide the raised scar on his chest that was peeking out of it. "I've had worse."

"You're sure?"

Ryouta nodded. "Y–Yeah."

"Well, alright," Yukizome–sensei said, turning around again. "Tell me when I can enter."

* * *

"Sensei?" Ryouta said, peeking out of the door. "I'm done, you can come in."

"Oh?" Yukizome–sensei said, tilting her head in his direction. "Good, I needed to get some files in there."

"I'm really sorry," Ryouta said, fidgeting with his hands.

"Let me guess. Ouma–kun's fault again?" Yukizome–sensei asked, smiling as she walked into the faculty room.

"Y–Yeah. Made a bucket of water fall on me," Ryouta replied.

Yukizome–sensei hummed. "I remember when your classmates used to do that to me."

Ryouta laughed sheepishly. "Sorry."

"Ah, no, don't be," Yukizome–sensei said as she grabbed a few folders from the top of her desk. "You were definitely not involved in those pranks. And anyways, that was, what? Almost ten years ago?"

But Ryouta wasn't paying attention anymore, focusing instead on the gold ring on Yukizome–sensei's finger. "Sensei, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," Yukizome–sensei said, turning around to face Ryouta. "What is it?"

"Uhm," Ryouta hesitated, fidgeting again. "How did… How did Munakata–san propose to you?"

Yukizome–sensei looked confused. "Wait, why do you want to know? Oh! Are you going to—?"

Ryouta nodded furiously, feeling his face heating up.

"Well," Yukizome–sensei mused, placing a hand under her chin. "It's… kind of embarrassing, actually. Kyousuke took me to that French restaurant downtown then he stood up from his chair after the main course, but I might have teared up and said yes even before he could even start asking the question," she continued, laughing nervously. "So that's that."

"I–I see…" Ryouta said, looking down at his loafers.

"Don't worry about it," Yukizome–sensei assured him, smiling. "Ask from the heart and I'm sure he'll say yes."

Ryouta nodded, still unsure.

"Well, I'm going back to my class," Yukizome–sensei said, waving at him as she headed for the door. "You should, too. Those kids might end up wrecking your classroom."

"A–Ah, sensei?" Ryouta said suddenly.

Yukizome–sensei stopped to look at him again. "Yes?"

"Thank you," Ryouta said, a hesitant smile on his face. "Do you… Do you think Munakata–san would let me work overtime for a few weeks?"

"I'll ask him," Yukizome–sensei promised with a wink.

* * *

"Jiji! I'm home!" Ryouta said as he hung up his coat and scarf on the rack by the door.

Jiji came out of nowhere and bounced on her paws towards Ryouta, meowing with her tail raised up.

"Sagishi isn't here yet, huh," Ryouta said as he lifted Jiji into his arms and scratched the back of her ear. "It's almost nine, I wonder what's holding him up. Come on, let's have dinner."

"Hey, Jiji, can I tell you a secret?" Ryouta asked in between mouthfuls of instant yakisoba.

Jiji meowed back beside him on the sofa.

"I'm gonna ask Sagishi to marry me." Ryouta smiled as he gave Jiji a scratch on her chin. "You think he'll say yes?"

Jiji yawned as she leaned into Ryouta's hand.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Ryouta said, resting his head on the sofa arm. "Don't tell him, okay?"

* * *

"Ryouta? Wake up, darling."

Ryouta blinked slowly, letting his eyes focus. Sagishi was standing in front of him, gently tapping on his shoulder. The TV he accidentally left running all night was displaying static and served as the only source of light in the living room.

"Oh, welcome back," Ryouta said with a yawn as he lazily sat up and stretched. "Must have fallen asleep. What time is it?"

"Almost one. Have you been waiting here all night?" Sagishi asked.

"Y–Yeah," Ryouta said, rubbing his eyes. "How's your day?"

"Terrible. I've been looking at nothing but figures all day," Sagishi replied, sitting down beside Ryouta. "Yours?"

"Ouma–kun pitched a bucket of water on my head. So, the usual," Ryouta said, yawning again before planting a kiss on Sagishi's cheek.

"Did you eat yet?" Sagishi said.

Ryouta hummed, having no plans of budging from his seat.

Sagishi raised an eyebrow. "And your meds? Did you remember to take them?"

"Think so?" Ryouta replied, blinking owlishly and leaning his head on Sagishi's shoulder.

"Come on, get up," Sagishi said exasperatedly, tapping on Ryouta's shoulder again. "Do I have to carry you to bed again?"

"I dare you."

Sagishi responded by hefting Ryouta off the sofa and carrying him bridal–style towards their bedroom.

* * *

"You're sure he'd like this ring?" Ryouta asked for what felt like the tenth time that day, still fumbling with the ring box.

"He would," Tsumiki–san assured him, smiling good–naturedly. Ryouta had asked her to help him pick a ring. "And anyway, he'd like anything that came from you," she continued, grabbing Ryouta's wrist to stop him from fumbling.

"Hey, did you sleep at all? Your hand feels cold," she asked, frowning.

"O–Of course," Ryouta laughed nervously, pulling away from Tsumiki–san's grasp. "It's because we went through too many shops that I'm exhausted." He wasn't about to admit just how many times he worked overtime these past few weeks to save up for a ring.

Tsumiki–san continued to stare at him, with that look in her eyes that made Ryouta feel guilty every single time she fixed it on him.

Ryouta sighed, rubbing at his wrist. "Fine. I'll sleep when we get back to the flat."

Tsumiki–san hummed, satisfied. "So, when are you going to ask?"

"Uhm, next week? Christmas Eve? I still have to prepare. Everything needs to be perfect." Ryouta fidgeted with his hands. "Please don't tell anyone else," he added as an afterthought.

Tsumiki–san clapped her hands, beaming. "How romantic," she sighed.

"Y–Yeah, I thought so, too," Ryouta said, blushing.

* * *

"Ah, welcome home," Sagishi said as soon as Ryouta opened the door. "How was your day out with Tsumiki?"

"It was… It was nice…" Ryouta trailed off, pressing a hand to his chest. He'd been trying to catch his breath since the train ride home, only barely managing to hide it from Tsumiki–san.

"Ryouta?" Sagishi asked, immediately coming to Ryouta's side to rub his back. "You sound winded, are you okay?"

"Y–Yeah, just tired. I think all those overtimes finally caught up with me," Ryouta replied, letting himself collapse into Sagishi's arms. "I'll be fine, sorry."

"I warned you not to take overtime work," Sagishi muttered. "You know you're not supposed to stress yourself out too much."

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry," Ryouta sighed. "Can I… Can I go to bed now?"

"It's only seven," Sagishi pointed out. "You never sleep this early. Are you sure you're really okay?"

"I'll be fine in the morning. I just need to sleep it off," Ryouta promised.

"I'll carry you, you look like you're going to fall over if I let you walk," Sagishi said, lifting Ryouta off the floor and carried him in his arms as he started walking towards the bedroom. "Then it's off to the hospital tomorrow if you're not better."

Ryouta rolled his eyes as he wrapped his arms around Sagishi's neck.

"Are you… Do you have something to do on Christmas Eve?" Ryouta asked as Sagishi opened the door to the bedroom.

"No, why?" Sagishi said, laying down Ryouta on the bed.

"Uhm," Ryouta gulped. "L–Let's have a date. I already made a reservation at that restaurant you like."

"Huh," Sagishi said, raising an eyebrow as he looked at Ryouta. "Well, okay."

"T–Thanks. Love you," Ryouta said, closing his eyes.

"Hey, no sleeping yet," Sagishi said. "Take your meds first, then sleep. I'll grab them from the kitchen. No sleeping until I get back."

Ryouta hummed, and yet despite wanting to stay up a bit more, he still fell asleep as soon as Sagishi was out of the room.

* * *

The next day wasn't so much better.

Ryouta woke up feeling sluggish and out of breath, missing his alarm for the first time since high school. He was tucked in under a heavy blanket, and Sagishi wasn't sleeping beside him. He's probably left for work already.

Ryouta sighed and tried to get up, stopping when he greyed out and had to wait for it to pass.

As it turned out, Sagishi hasn't left yet. Instead, he was waiting in the living room for Ryouta to wake up, smiling as soon as he saw him climbing down the stairs.

"I called you in sick," Sagishi said by way of a greeting.

"I— Why?" Ryouta asked. "I'm fine, you didn't have to do that."

"You're not," Sagishi sighed, approaching Ryouta. "I've known you long enough to know you oversleeping is never a good sign."

"I'm just tired, really," Ryouta said.

"Then use today to get some rest," Sagishi offered. "Please? I have to leave for work in a few minutes, will you be alright by yourself all day?"

"Y–Yeah," Ryouta replied. "What time are you coming back?"

"I'll try to be back for dinner," Sagishi said, kissing Ryouta on the cheek. "I already made breakfast and lunch. Don't touch my kitchen. Call me if anything happens, alright? I love you."

"I will," Ryouta said with a small smile on his face before returning the kiss. "Have a nice day. I love you too."

Jiji walked up to Ryouta as he watched Sagishi drive away in his car.

"Come on, Jiji, let's find out what's for breakfast," Ryouta said as he bent down to pick her up once the car was no longer in sight, carrying her in his arms as he walked towards the kitchen.

It wasn't that far a walk, but by the time Ryouta reached the kitchen door, he was running short of breath again. Ryouta placed Jiji down on the floor and let her run off again before he himself went to sit down on the nearest chair to catch his breath.

He's fine. He needed to be fine. He can't postpone next week, he's already made all the down payments, and he can't ruin the holidays for everyone, either.

Ryouta shook his head and reached out to uncover the breakfast Sagishi left on the table. It's udon, still steaming, which meant Sagishi must have just finished cooking a little before Ryouta woke up. He smiled and ate, pushing away any thoughts about his health.

Jiji walked into the kitchen as Ryouta ate the last bit of his breakfast and Ryouta didn't have the energy to make her leave. It's just one time, after all, and Sagishi doesn't have to know. At least that's what he told himself.

He shuffled off to wash the dishes, but when he got to the sink, the shortness of breath started again. Worse, this time it came with palpitations that Ryouta couldn't ignore, and he gasped as he held on to the edge of the sink for support as he waited for it to pass.

He's fine, really. He just had to keep it together until next week. He can take a break after that.

Ryouta reached up instead for his pill bottle in the cupboard instead, leaving the dishes in the sink. He'll just wash them later.

Huh.

Wasn't he due for a refill soon?

Why was the bottle still half full?

Ryouta bit his lip, swallowing one of the pills. He couldn't have missed so many, right?

He walked back to the living room and lay down on the sofa, too winded to go upstairs and do it in a proper bed.

* * *

"Hey, wake up. You're too cold."

Ryouta woke up to Sagishi tapping him gently on the face. Sagishi was furrowing his eyebrows.

"You're back early," Ryouta said in a hoarse voice, heavy–eyed and wanting to go back to sleep.

"It's eleven. That's not early," Sagishi corrected.

"Oh," Ryouta breathed out as he tried to sit up. "Thought it was earlier."

Sagishi helped, supporting his back as Ryouta pushed himself up. "When did you fall asleep, anyway?"

Ryouta shrugged. "Have you… have you had dinner yet?"

"Have you?" Sagishi returned the question.

"I… think so?" Ryouta replied, hesitating for a moment. "I remember eating before I fell asleep."

Sagishi hummed. "So, how are you feeling?"

"Better," Ryouta lied. "Can I go back to work tomorrow?"

"If you want to," Sagishi replied, smiling. "Let's get you to a proper bed."

The week leading up to Christmas eve wasn't a good week, not by a long stretch.

It was probably just stress, Ryouta told himself, stress from having to check test papers and plan the year–ender party for his class that made him get home late even though he wasn't taking any more overtime work. And of course, the proposal which Ryouta couldn't help but worry about. What if Sagishi says no? What then?

And then Christmas eve finally came.

* * *

Christmas Eve dawned with snow falling outside and frost coating the window of their bedroom. Ryouta woke up to Sagishi fully dressed already and gently tapping his shoulder. It felt as if this scene was getting more frequent these past few weeks.

"Oi, Ryouta, you've been sleeping for twelve hours," Sagishi said, leaning so that he would be at eye level with Ryouta. "Are you really okay?"

"Y–Yeah," Ryouta replied, yawning. "I'm just tired."

"You keep saying that," Sagishi said, narrowing his eyes. "What's really wrong?"

"N–Nothing," Ryouta insisted as he got up from the bed. "I really am just tired. Plus, the weather's making me sleepy."

Sagishi hummed. "Well, go downstairs and have breakfast."

"O–Okay," Ryouta said, nodding uncertainly. Did Sagishi actually believe him?

Ryouta hurriedly took a shower and got dressed the minute Sagishi left their bedroom. He tucked the ring in his breast pocket, thinking it would be less likely for it to get lost there than if he placed it in his pants. Hiding it in the breast pocket would also mean he wouldn't have to fumble for it every five minutes to make sure it was still there and he hadn't left it anywhere.

Satisfied, Ryouta went downstairs.

* * *

Sagishi was already eating when Ryouta got to the kitchen and looked up from his plate as Ryouta sat down to join him.

"S–So you didn't forget about our date, did you?" Ryouta asked.

"Seven, right?" Sagishi said as he ate another bite of pancake. "I scheduled it, don't worry."

Ryouta nodded absently. "T–Thanks…"

"Ryouta? You sure nothing's wrong?" Sagishi asked again, fixing his gaze on Ryouta. "You've been acting off for weeks."

"Y–Yeah, don't worry about it," Ryouta said, eyes widening as they landed on the wall clock in his attempt to avoid Sagishi's discerning gaze. "I–I have to leave, I'm gonna be late again," he added as he hurriedly stood up to kiss Sagishi's cheek before leaving. "See you later. I love you."

"I love you too," Sagishi replied, leaning closer to Ryouta.

* * *

Ryouta got to the school out of breath and tired enough to fall asleep on his feet. Even from the other end of the hallway, he could hear his students yelling at each other. What was going on this time?

"I said fuck off, you annoying shit!"

"Just one test run, Iruma–chan!"

Right. Ryouta's heard enough. He slid the classroom door open.

Iruma–san and Ouma–kun were the ones screaming at each other at the center of the room, with the rest of the class watched them with varying reactions. They haven't messed up the room, at least. All the party decorations were still intact, though someone's swapped the red party cups with skull cups, probably Shinguuji–kun. Or possibly Angie–san. Were those real skulls? Ryouta hoped not.

"Which part of 'I don't want to' didn't you understand, asshat?"

"But I want to tr— oh, hi, sensei!" Ouma–kun said, interrupting himself mid–nag to wave at Ryouta.

"What's happening?" Ryouta asked, sighing.

"Iruma–chan made a VR but she won't let me borrow it," Ouma–kun whined.

"Because it's not fucking finished yet," Iruma–san snapped.

Ryouta pinched the bridge of his nose. "Remember what happened the last time you 'borrowed' one of Iruma–san's unfinished projects?"

"Oh, yeah," Ouma–kun said, placing a hand under his chin. "But it probably won't happen again, right, Iruma–chan?"

Iruma–san huffed and stomped off instead.

"Just don't bother her about it again until she's finished with it," Ryouta begged.

Ouma–kun seemed to think about it for a full minute before replying. "Okay!" he said with a grin.

Somehow Ryouta didn't want to know what the grin meant.

* * *

The rest of the party passed by with little incident, which was a good thing since Ryouta didn't have the energy to break up any new squabbles within the class. Toujou–san made their class a feast, but even though it looked and smelled good Ryouta couldn't summon an appetite to eat any of it. It was probably his anxiety over the proposal.

The winter sun went down as the school bells rang for the last time this year and the party slowly died down. Ryouta would have to end it soon if he wanted to get to their date early.

But then he saw Saihara–kun standing alone in a corner of the classroom, and remembered Saihara–kun hasn't submitted his career form yet. Ryouta wondered where his friends were as he walked up to him.

"Saihara–kun?" Ryouta called out.

Saihara–kun looked up from the skull cup in his hand, startled by Ryouta. "A–Ah, sensei, what is it?"

"You haven't submitted your career form yet. It's due last week," Ryouta said.

"I… uhm…" Saihara–kun trailed off as he tried to think of an excuse.

"What's wrong?" Ryouta asked.

"I don't… I don't know what to do with it," Saihara–kun replied, his face turning red as he avoided Ryouta's eyes. "Everyone else seems so sure of what they want to do."

"And you don't?"

"I still don't feel like I'm worthy of this," Saihara–kun admitted.

"You're here for a reason, you know," Ryouta said. "Kizakura–sensei doesn't make mistakes in scouting."

Saihara–kun bit his lip, just as Gonta–kun yelled suddenly at Ouma–kun.

"Ouma–kun! Don't tease Go—" Ryouta paused, a sudden shockwave of pain knocking the air out of his lungs.

"Sensei?" Saihara–kun asked, eyebrows knitted together as he looked at him.

"I–It's nothing," Ryouta said, putting on a smile. "Submit the forms when you get back from break, okay? You'll figure it out."

Saihara–kun nodded, still scraping the toe of his shoe across the floor.

Ryouta tried not to flinch as he spoke. "I'm not keeping you here, you know. Go join your classmates again."

"A–Ah, yes, sensei," Saihara–kun said, hesitantly looking at Ryouta again before running off to join Momota–kun and Harukawa–san in another corner of the room.

Ryouta sighed, watching them. Sometimes Saihara–kun acted too much like he used to. Like he still does, sometimes.

The pain in his chest intensified, and he automatically clutched at it, feeling his heart racing underneath. Ryouta had to lean against the wall to keep himself from falling over. Hopefully, none of his students noticed him.

This can't be happening. Not now.

Kiibo–kun yelled as Ouma–kun poked as his hair antenna, bringing Ryouta's attention back to the party.

"That's enough, Ouma–kun," Ryouta sighed, slowly walking towards them to break them up.

"I was just asking Kiibaby if that antenna's detachable," Ouma–kun said with a pout as he continued to poke Kiibo–kun.

"Alright, stop that," Ryouta said, blinking away the black spots in his vision and snatching Ouma–kun's hand away. "I told you not to…" Ryouta trailed off, gasping suddenly.

He can't breathe.

Why can't he breathe?

"Sensei?"

That was Ouma–kun.

"I— C–Could you get Toujou–san for me?" Ryouta asked, leaning forward with his hands on his knees and grimacing at the feeling of something squeezing all the air out of his chest.

"Oh?" Ouma–kun said, his mouth forming an o shape. "What does sensei need Toujou–chan for?"

"Please," Ryouta said, his mouth feeling like cotton as he got dizzier and dizzier. "It's… It's important."

Ouma–kun shrugged, oblivious as he hummed and went to fetch Toujou–san.

Ryouta stumbled.

* * *

The next thing Ryouta knew, he was on the cold floor, feeling so tired as he struggled to breathe, his heart beating so fast he was sure it was going to burst. His hand clenched into a tight fist above his chest before he realized. Someone's loosened his tie.

What—?

"Don't get up," a voice that sounded like it came from underwater said. Someone's holding one of his shoulders and keeping him pinned to the ground.

Kimura–san…?

Ryouta opened his eyes, and saw Kimura–san crouched down next to him, her fingers pressed to the side of his neck.

"I— The kids?" Ryouta whispered, wincing at how hard speaking through the pain felt.

"Outside," Kimura–san replied as she searched for something in her pocket. "You scared them when you fainted."

Ryouta smiled back weakly. "S–Sorry."

"Here, take this," Kimura–san said as she handed him a white tablet and helped him into a sitting position. "Don't swallow it, just put it under your tongue. It won't do much, but it'll help with the pain. I already called for an ambulance. Do you want me to call—?"

"N–No! I–I don't— I don't want him to worry," Ryouta protested, immediately feeling drained by the outburst. "How— How bad?" he rasped as he did what he was told.

"Bad. You're decompensating," Kimura–san said, shaking her head. Her voice sounded garbled. "You really need to get to a hospital soon."

"Oh," Ryouta breathed out, slumping over as his eyes drifted closed.

"Mitarai–san!"

* * *

"He's back. Sir, can you open your eyes?"

Who is—?

Ryouta's eyes fluttered open, squinting at the harsh lights shining right in front of them. There's hissing and beeping in the distance.

"Can you tell us your name and age, sir?"

"Mi... Mitarai Ryouta," Ryouta said, gasping with every syllable. "Twen… Twenty–six."

"Do you know where you are?" the voice asked again.

"Hope's… Hope's Peak…" Ryouta whispered, eyes drooping as he became increasingly tempted to go back to sleep. Maybe if he did he wouldn't be in pain anymore.

"You're in an ambulance, sir," the voice replied. "We're en route to the hospital."

Ambulance?

Ryouta blinked, forcing his eyes to focus on his surroundings.

There's an oxygen mask on his face. He's lying down on a gurney, the electrodes of the heart monitor beeping nearby attached to his bare chest, and the remains of his sweater vest and the shirt he wore underneath it cut up in half and dangling at the sides of the gurney.

Ah.

There's another stab of pain in his chest, halting Ryouta's thoughts as he sucked in a sharp breath.

"What's wrong, sir?"

Ryouta tried to speak, but no words came out. Did his mouth even move?

"I need you to take deep breaths, sir. Stay with us."

He tried to take another desperate gulp of air, but his lungs refused to expand, leaving the air rattling in his throat instead. The monitor started beeping erratically and Ryouta could hear someone swear. Suddenly he can't feel even the beating of his heart anymore, only the pain that threatened to consume him whole.

And then.

The pain ebbed away as his sight dimmed and the paramedics' voices faded away into hushed whispers, and Ryouta knew he was dying.

I'm the worst. I can't stay alive long enough to propose. And who even dies on Christmas?

Stop saying that, you know you're better than this, a voice that sounded like Sagishi's whispered.

I'm sorry.

Sagi—

* * *

"Ryouta?" Sagishi said suddenly, looking behind him thinking Ryouta called out his name.

But that's silly, Ryouta's still at school. Why would he be here?

Sagishi probably needed to take a break from all this paperwork if he was starting to hear things. Besides, Ryouta's gonna have that puppy dog eyes expression on his face again if Sagishi spaced out while on their date.

Why did Ryouta want to go on a date all of a sudden anyway?

Sagishi sighed, rubbing his eyes.

The office wall clock told him it was six o'clock. One hour until then.

Sagishi was signing the last piece of document for the day when his phone began vibrating in his pocket. He was going to ignore it at first and just call back whoever was calling him later, but it wouldn't stop ringing.

Sagishi got the phone out, thoroughly annoyed and intending to chew out the person at the other end of the line until he saw the name on the caller ID.

It was Tsumiki.

Something's not right and Sagishi suddenly felt as if someone just doused him with a bucket of ice water.

"Tsumiki, what is it?" Sagishi asked, trying to keep his voice perfectly calm. "I'm still at wo—"

Tsumiki cut him off, sounding like she was going to cry. "It's… It's Mitarai–kun. Come to the hospital. Hurry."

Sagishi's phone slipped from his grasp, shattering on the floor as he ran out of the office.

* * *

Sagishi honked at the car in front of him again, willing the driver to go faster as he gripped the steering wheel tighter that his knuckles turned white. When the honking didn't work, he swerved right, not caring about any violations he'll have on his record as he stepped on the gas, the buildings outside his car window blurring away as he sped by.

Slow down, you'll hit someone, Sagishi could almost hear Ryouta nervously say.

Sagishi stepped on the gas harder.

Sagishi pulled over in front of the emergency room entrance and immediately jumped out of the car to get inside. He'll park it properly later.

Tsumiki was pacing around in the waiting area when Sagishi found her, biting her nails and out of her nurse's scrubs.

"Where is he?" Sagishi demanded, his chest heaving.

Tsumiki looked up, startled into staying in place. "I–In there…" she said, pointing with a trembling finger to a bed closed off by plastic curtains. "H–He was in VT when I saw him and I—"

"What happened?" Sagishi asked as he hid his crumpled expression behind his hands.

"I don't… I don't know," Tsumiki said, voice breaking as she said the last word. "My shift just ended when he was wheeled in and they won't let me in there." Then she dropped her voice and added, "His students are here, please don't lose your temper."

"You don't think—?"

Tsumiki shook her head. "You know they won't, not after the first time."

"Then how?" Sagishi asked, desperate for an answer. "He hasn't had an episode in months and we both know this doesn't just happen."

"I don't know!" Tsumiki snapped, shaking her head furiously.

Sagishi sighed aloud, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Where are those kids? I have to know."

"Lobby. And don't you dare blame them," Tsumiki warned. "They're already terrified."

"I'm gonna go to them," Sagishi said. "Tell me if—"

"Of course."

* * *

Only a handful of Ryouta's students were waiting in the lobby. Sagishi looked around for a co–teacher watching over them but there wasn't any. Damn Munakata for leaving the children alone in their panic, for all his talk against the previous administration's policies or lack thereof.

Akamatsu saw him first, her eyes widening as she bolted up from the metal bench. "Togami–san, I—"

Sagishi waved her off. "Sit down, Akamatsu. Where are the rest of your classmates?"

"They're… still in the classroom," Akamatsu hesitated before sitting back down, sandwiched between Amami and Saihara. "Toujou–san's trying to keep the peace."

Sagishi sighed as he sat down on the bench facing the kids. "Tell me what happened," he said, bracing for whatever answer they'd give him.

Saihara looked up, seemingly apologetic. "I–I already noticed something was wrong while we were talking but Mitarai–sensei said it was nothing."

"And?" Sagishi asked.

"It just happened and we didn't know what to do, we're sorry," Akamatsu blurted out.

"It's not your fault," Sagishi said, shaking his head. "How long has it been?"

Saihara fumbled for his watch before speaking. "Twenty minutes since we got here."

Twenty minutes, and they still haven't stabilized him.

Sagishi feared what it meant as they continued to sit in silence, waiting for news.

* * *

Tsumiki showed up a while later, announced by the clacking of her shoes against the hard marble floor. Sagishi looked up at the sound and saw her wringing her hands, an unreadable expression on her face.

Sagishi can't breathe suddenly.

"How is—"

"Not here," Tsumiki cut him off sharply, glancing at the children for a moment. "Follow me."

Sagishi stood up, making Ryouta's students stay behind, and let her lead the way. Eventually, they stopped in a quiet hallway near the emergency room, and Tsumiki promptly burst into tears.

"Tsumiki?" Sagishi asked in a brittle voice. "What happened? How is he?"

"H–He…" Tsumiki sobbed, furiously wiping away her tears as she cleared her throat, trying to slip back into her professional voice. "He went into asystole ten minutes after he was brought here. They've been trying to get back a rhythm for an hour but they couldn't. They only just stopped the code."

"No," Sagishi said, his eyes filling with tears. He can't stop shaking. Why can't he stop shaking? "You're lying. He's not dead. He can't be dead. He— He wouldn't give up like this."

"I'm sorry," Tsumiki whispered. "You can go see him if you like, before they…"

"His students—"

"Go," Tsumiki urged, squeezing Sagishi's hand. "I'll stay with them. Take as long as you need."

* * *

He's still.

It's unnatural. He's never still, always fidgeting with his hands because of his constant anxiousness.

None of it felt right, and no matter how much he wanted to Sagishi can't tear his eyes away from Ryouta's chest that remained unmoving, the EKG electrodes still stuck to it, the rising and falling of his breath that used to be as constant as Sagishi's own gone.

His skin's pale, paler than Sagishi's ever seen it look before, so pale that Sagishi can no longer deny the fact that his blood was not flowing in his veins anymore.

Sagishi's eyes drift to Ryouta's face and suddenly felt as if all the air was sucked out of the room.

They—

They haven't removed the breathing tube yet. It was still there, wedged like a last desperate prayer between Ryouta's lips that were steadily turning blue.

His hand's dangling limply from the side of the bed, the remains of an IV line still visible on the crook of his arm, and Sagishi no longer felt rooted to where he was standing as he moved to place Ryouta's hand back on the bed. It still felt warm to the touch, and if Sagishi closed his eyes he could still pretend Ryouta's just sleeping.

Sagishi broke into a sob, knees buckling beneath him.

"Wake up. Please wake up. Weren't you getting better? Open your eyes, Ryou. Please. Please," Sagishi said, choking on his tears as he held on tightly to Ryouta's hand, afraid to let it, to let him go.

He doesn't know how long he sat there grieving before Tsumiki walked in, taking Ryouta's hand from Sagishi's, and led the living away from the dead.

* * *

"Why are we going here?" Sagishi asked, trembling and heavily leaning on Tsumiki for support. "I— I have to go back. I have to stay with him."

"I–I'm so sorry," Tsumiki said hoarsely. "I know I said take your time, but they… they have to take him to the morgue now a–and they need you to sign some papers."

"Now?" Sagishi asked.

"Yes," Tsumiki whispered, not looking Sagishi in the eye. "I'm sorry."

* * *

It's the death certificate. The attending doctor wanted him to receive Ryouta's death certificate.

(It's not Isha–sensei. Where was he? If it was Isha–sensei with Ryouta in that emergency room, could he have saved him?)

Sagishi wanted nothing to do with the piece of paper, almost crumpling it the minute it was placed in his hand and shoving it in his pocket instead. He doesn't know if he'll ever have the courage to read it.

He's shuffled off to the billing office next, Tsumiki following after him but keeping her distance.

(It used to be a cause for celebration, going there, since it meant Ryouta was well enough to go home. Not anymore.

Tonight he'll be paying to take home a corpse.)

He doesn't want to do this. Why should he pay when they failed to bring Ryouta back to him?

He still paid the hospital fees in the end.

They returned Ryouta's things to him after that. He doesn't know what to do with the things, aside from gingerly handling them as if they were a fragile newborn child. He recognized the pattern of the sweater vest, now cut in half in his hands. It's Ryouta's favorite, one of many Sagishi bought for him. He never did tell Ryouta how much it cost. The dress shirt Ryouta wore underneath, on the other hand, was in a better state, a little crumpled, some buttons popped off, but otherwise still in one piece. Sagishi tried to smooth out the creases, and as he did, something hard hit his hand as it passed across the breast pocket. It must have been something important enough for Ryouta to keep it there. He never kept anything in that pocket before.

Sagishi took it out.

It's a simple ring, white gold and accented with emeralds, Sagishi's birthstone.

Suddenly the date made sense.

Was this why Ryouta kept on working overtime?

He didn't need a ring, he would have said yes even without a ring.

Ryouta didn't need to strain his heart so much for a ring.

Before he knew it, Sagishi had sunk down to the floor, wailing. Tsumiki had to pick him up for the second time that evening, letting him sob his heart out on her shoulder, a complete reversal of a scenario they were both so familiar with back in high school.

"Did… Did you know?" Sagishi asked between sobs.

"Yes," Tsumiki whispered as she rubbed circles on Sagishi's back. "I'm sorry."

* * *

"I have… I have to make some calls," Sagishi told Tsumiki as they walked through the hallway, sniffling into his shirt sleeve. "I have to tell his parents. Gods, how do I tell his parents that… that…"

That they've outlived their only son?

The same son he promised to love and take care of?

Sagishi began to weep into his hands again, vaguely feeling Tsumiki patting his back until he stopped.

"Have you told his students already?" Sagishi asked without bothering to raise his head.

"N–No," Tsumiki said, caught off–guard. "I–I thought you'd want to tell them yourself."

"How do we tell them this?" Sagishi whispered.

Tsumiki had no answer for him.

Sagishi shook his head. "Let's just get this over with."

* * *

Ryouta's students clambered out of their seats when they caught sight of Sagishi and Tsumiki.

Sagishi's mouth dried up, his mind racing.

How was he supposed to tell them? Ryouta's students were too young to know death.

Hell, Ryouta was too young to die.

"Togami–san?" Akamatsu asked, looking hopefully at him. "How's sensei?"

"I—" Sagishi hesitated. Was this how Ryouta felt all the time?

"He didn't make it, did he?" Amami said suddenly.

Sagishi bowed his head. It was all the confirmation they needed.

"N–No way…" Akamatsu gasped.

At the same time, Sagishi saw Saihara bite his lip and curl his hands into fists at his sides.

"I'm so sorry," Sagishi said, trying in vain to get rid of the lump in his throat. "Do you… Do you have someone to take you back to the dorms?"

"Y–Yeah, I'll take us back," Amami replied, that calm, collected façade slowly crumbling.

"You sure?" Sagishi asked, looking at him.

"Eh. We should probably go, too," Amami nodded, tugging at both Saihara's and Akamatsu's hands. "We need to tell the rest of the class."

Sagishi nodded back. "Stay safe."

* * *

Sagishi watched as the children exited the hospital. They kept looking back every few paces, perhaps thinking he wouldn't notice them doing so. Finally, they crossed the gate and as they did, Amami pulled Akamatsu and Saihara into a hug as the two started sobbing, refusing to let either of them go until they've stopped.

They don't deserve this, Sagishi thought idly as he sat down on the metal bench. Not when it's Christmas.

"We should… We should leave," Tsumiki said in a soft voice.

"I— I can't," Sagishi said, gasping. "I don't… I don't want him to be alone."

Tsumiki tentatively wrapped an arm. "Please. Just for the night. You have to rest."

"No!" Sagishi said, choking on his sobs. "I can't go home. I don't know if I can stand it."

"Then stay at my house for a while," Tsumiki said, her lips trembling. "You don't have to stay here. He wouldn't want you to be alone, either."

"I— You're right," Sagishi sighed. "I'll drive," he said, fishing out his keys from his pocket.

Tsumiki shook her head. "You shouldn't, not in this state. Come on, we'll take a cab."

* * *

Sagishi woke up with a start, reaching out to his right without opening his eyes to wrap Ryouta in his arms.

Except his arms reached out into empty space, almost sending him falling to the floor. Did he fall asleep on the sofa for some reason?

Sagishi opened his eyes. They felt heavy, as if he spent the entirety of last night with a runny nose.

This was definitely not their flat.

Where was he?

Sagishi sat up, and as he did, he saw a crumpled dress shirt he must have fallen asleep on top of. It's Ryouta's. It's damp.

And as sudden as a lightning strike, the events of last night came rushing back and Sagishi made a strangled cry.

He wasn't sure if he called Ryouta's parents already. Everything that happened after they left the hospital (left Ryouta) remained a blur. The only thing he was sure of was that he had never meant to fall asleep, for every time he closed his eyes he saw Ryouta lying dead on that hospital bed. Sagishi wondered if he'd have nightmares about it for the rest of his life.

Tsumiki walked in then, and by the look on her face, she was surprised to see him awake.

"I—"

"Did I call his parents?" Sagishi asked before Tsumiki could say anything.

"Y–Yes," Tsumiki nodded. "Y–You used my phone since you broke yours."

"Ah," Sagishi said as he hid his face behind his hands. "How did it go?"

"I–I don't know, I wasn't eavesdropping," Tsumiki said. "I–It did take you a long time to talk to them."

"I'll pay for it," Sagishi said absently.

"Don't… Don't watch the news, please," Tsumiki said, biting her lip.

Sagishi looked up. "Why?"

"It's on the news. He's on the news."

"How? He's a teacher, he hasn't been an animator since graduation," Sagishi asked as panic started to swell up inside him.

"We're still alumni of Hope's Peak. That accounts for something," Tsumiki said, unwilling to look Sagishi in the eyes. "And you're a Togami, the press is gonna be all over this story. I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," Sagishi automatically said. "Gods, what am I gonna do? Are there any outside?"

"N–No, I don't think they know you're here," Tsumiki replied. "You should… you should probably call our classmates, they're worried about you," she said, handing him her phone.

"I don't want to," Sagishi said, waving away the phone. "Not now. I— I have… I have to arrange his funeral first. What… What time is it?"

"J–Just a bit past nine," Tsumiki said, looking up at the clock on the wall. "D–Do you have to leave now?"

"Yeah," Sagishi replied, breathing in sharply. "I have to go home and pick out his clothes first."

"I–I'll go with you," Tsumiki said.

Sagishi shook his head. "No, you don't have to. Thanks for letting me stay the night."

* * *

It felt wrong to come home knowing Ryouta wouldn't be waiting for him. The door creaked as Sagishi opened it, making him flinch. Jiji ran up to him, probably thinking it was Ryouta who came home.

"I'm sorry," Sagishi said, picking her up. "He's not coming home anymore."

Jiji looked at him, blinking slowly before nuzzling him as if she understood.

"I'm so sorry," Sagishi repeated, holding Jiji tighter before going up the stairs with her.

* * *

Ryouta left such a mess.

It was as if he was in such a hurry when he left the room yesterday. He didn't even make the bed. The ring box was still on the tabletop, likely because Ryouta knew Sagishi doesn't go back to the bedroom once he's already downstairs.

Sagishi opened their walk–in closet instead.

Ryouta never did get the hang of wearing suits. He was always more comfortable in the sweaters Sagishi bought for him. But he did own two, Sagishi remembered as he got to the end of the closet. (He'd kissed Ryouta breathless in that end of the closet the day they moved in together.) One was newer, Sagishi had given it to him only last year as one of his birthday presents, if only to tease him for his lack of formal wear. He never wore it, never will. The other one Ryouta bought himself with his first paycheck so he'd have something to wear to school events. He'd want to wear it for this. Sagishi picked it from the rack and held it to his chest. It still smelled like Ryouta. Everything in the closet did. Sagishi blinked, once, twice, and yet the tears still fell, the heaving sobs coming close at their heels.

* * *

Not in a thousand lifetimes did Sagishi expect to spend the last week of the year like this. He'd barely slept after that first night, had gone through the funeral arrangements by himself like someone in a trance. He'd had to pick up Ryouta's parents from the airport two days later, the tourist season making it hard for them to catch a flight immediately.

It's snowing, and despite the fact that the funeral home was protecting the guests from the elements, Sagishi could still feel the chill of the outside. He wished he brought a thicker coat with him. (Was that selfish of him, wishing he could keep himself warm, when Ryouta would never feel warm again because he's lying dead in that half–open coffin less than five feet in front of him?)

Their old classmates were here, even though Sagishi couldn't remember calling any of them about the details of the funeral. Did Tsumiki tell them? But then, he doesn't know if he told her either within the course of the long week he stayed at her place. He can't go back home, not yet, not when every corner of it reminded him of Ryouta. (They say home is where the heart is, but his heart is dead and gone and never coming back, so where did that leave him?)

Ryouta's students were here, too, keeping a respectful distance from him. He still didn't have the full story of what happened that night. Did they blame themselves? (They shouldn't, because he's the one to blame for noticing that something was wrong and yet not doing anything about it.)

The priest finished chanting the sutra without Sagishi noticing it, marking the end of the funeral and the start of cremation. The guests started filing out of the room one by one. Barely anyone would want to spend an aimless hour waiting for a body to turn into a pile of ashes and bones, after all. They'd come back later.

Sagishi continued to sit in the front row, staring as they take away the coffin. There were no tears left for him to shed.

"D–Do you… Do you want to step outside for a while?" Tsumiki whispered next to him. When did she get there?

Sagishi shook his head, smiling sadly. "I think I'll wait here, thanks," he said, absently twisting the ring on his finger.

* * *

 **A/N:** I wrote half of this fic on a tablet because my laptop literally crashed and burned one day after Christmas, which means all my fics are on hold until it gets fixed. Sorry.


End file.
